Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in wittgirl84's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
11:56 pm	no more I cannot deal with it anymore. If one more person I care about dies, I just don't know what I'll do. I cannot take it. I just cannot hear people crying over the phone only to shatter one more aspect of my life with their ensuing words. I am afraid to answer my phone. It seems to only be bad news lately and not only bad but devastating. My poor cousin. how can I be okay when i am not there to comfort her in this horrible tragedy? I cannot even begin to think about how hard this is going to be for her. Her recently ex-boyfriend whom she dated for 3 years died in a car accident tonight. The same way that Jenny and Sam died. Kayde and his two friends are all dead now. One of them was only 16 years old. Mr. Helm just died a couple weeks ago...these people both had importance to me. I drove Kayde places before they could drive....we went to the mall, concerts and out to eat. He was at my house frequently...and now he is dead. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I cannot keep being strong when things just keep adding up against me. Eventually I am going to break...when are things going to stop getting worse because I just don't know how much lower I can go. Please make it stop. Please don't keep doing this to me. The pain is so consumming and before long it is going to entirely swallow me. I just don't know how to be okay anymore. Current Mood: melancholy (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 20th, 2005
10:00 pm	what is wrong with me? I have been back at school for 10 hours and I feel like balling. Why am I so depressed? What the hell started this? How can class be starting on Monday...I am so not ready for this year to begin. Happier news: my sister got engaged last night! Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 5th, 2005
1:35 am	some people seriously frustrate me. that is all I want to say. if you desire details you can ask for them, otherwise that is all you get. I am going to bed. Current Mood: frustrated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 21st, 2005
2:59 pm	This made me smile: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday. And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me. happy thursday :D I am so grateful to have all my work done for this week and only one class tomorrow...weekend HERE I COME. Current Mood: ecstatic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 20th, 2005
8:15 pm	So I have been fighting with a friend recently...this first conversation is between me and a third party and then me and Holly the girl I am actually fighting with. This should catch me upto date with my journal since it tells how much I suck and all. MAIZE222: hey did you get my last im? durst182ChiCk: what did it say? MAIZE222: that you should talk to holly durst182ChiCk: I IMed her MAIZE222: and durst182ChiCk: and nothing durst182ChiCk: we talked for a little MAIZE222: good stuff? or pointless stuff? durst182ChiCk: I don't really know durst182ChiCk: I mean I told her I loved her and she said she loved me but she is still upset and I am still on defense durst182ChiCk: one thing that she said that shocked me is that she didn't feel a need to contact me because apparently she felt it was my position to do so durst182ChiCk: which I don't understand because I have made many more attempts to talk than she has MAIZE222: Holly will probably take a while to get over the situation. Because that is Holly's way but, I am glad you are trying to fix things. Just keep talking to her when she gets online and say stuff like how was your day? She will turn around and realize that you are a wonderful person with a big heart. durst182ChiCk: well you know what? my heart is not big enough for this and I cannot continually talk to someone who is unresponsive durst182ChiCk: This is hard for me durst182ChiCk: and I am sick of trying MAIZE222: she obviously is reponsive because she said she loved you too MAIZE222: don't stop trying now, you just broke through to her durst182ChiCk: she is not being responsive, you are not the one talking to her, I am. She barely said anything and basically all she said is that she is still mad durst182ChiCk: well I cannot make her stop being mad at me durst182ChiCk: that is her problem and she needs to deal with it MAIZE222: if the relationship means anything at all to you which it should because you all are or at least used to be best friends. You know Holly like I know Holly she holds grudges. But, the fact that she even responded to your im at all shows that she does still want to be your friend. You don't know what else could have been going on she could have been doing homework or about to leave. She will eventually get over it but you can't give up. durst182ChiCk: I love you but STOP telling me to do this. Bother her. I am trying, she is not. I am sorry but I cannot deal with this, especially in the mood I am currently in. I understand you are trying to help but the only thing you are doing is upseting me by making me feel like everything is my fault and that I am the only one who can do anything about it. Well that is just not true, Holly can do something about it. Obviously our friendship means something to me otherwise I wouldn't have already tried so much. Tell her to try, she hasn't at all. Ask her if our friendship matters. But don't make me feel like what I have been doing is inadequate because that is not fair to me because I have a done a shitload more than I should have had to MAIZE222: I am not saying what you are doing is unadequate. And I have talked to her. I am not only pushing you. I care about you both. Nothing to help a friendship is "a shitload more than I should have had to" because look at where I am standing and how much I am trying to get this back together. It is not my issue at all and yet because I care and love you you both I am trying my hardest to make things work. I don't care what mood you are in or how hard you have tried. The relationship is not fixed. If you don't care fine. I will stop bothering you about it and talk to holly. I have better things to do then talk to a brick wall especially when I have homework and other stuff to do. Do what you want Ellen. I am just trying to stop you from making the same mistake I made with Jenny. hopefully at some point that will get across to either you or Holly. But, right now I am sure neither one of you are mature enough to understand. So, whatever I have other stuff I need to do so I am going to sign off. I love you Ellen and I only want the best for you. All My Love Right after this conversaion occurred, I began this one with Holly: durst182ChiCk: holly I don't know what to do. I have tried working things out with you, but we don't seem to be getting anywhere. Why? Are we both just being unwilling to get over this or is there something still hindering us? I would really like to fix this, not only because I care but because this is really upsetting melanie and she is constantly yelling at me about it. Is there anything we haven't tried to do yet that you think might work or are you satisfied with the situation currently? just tell me what you are thinking in general DreamerHalo: um durst182ChiCk: lol sorry I know I caught you offguard with all this DreamerHalo: i guess im fairly passvie about it. i mean, im here. youre there. DreamerHalo: passive* DreamerHalo: i mean, i dont think im going to jump to talk to you, but im not jumping to talk to anyone really, except the people at UK, cause they're here and we make plans and stuff durst182ChiCk: well honestly I feel like I am making a lot more effort currently and that makes it really hard to fix anything because I know you care and yet you are not IMing me or talking to me DreamerHalo: i just dont feel like theres anything i want to say. i mean, if you want me to im you every day and ask you how you are, and tell you how i am, i can- but id rather want to, rather than do it because i feel i should. durst182ChiCk: so you don't have anything to say to me at all ever and that is why you are not IMing me? DreamerHalo: and i dont really feel like im needing to put forth a huge amount of effort, i dont think this relationship is dying or anything. DreamerHalo: i dont know what you want me to say. durst182ChiCk: how is the relationship not dying when you and I haven't really talked in weeks? durst182ChiCk: I think this is going to be much more akward when we are home together than it is currently because we are both in different states durst182ChiCk: do you really still consider me one of your best friends? DreamerHalo: i dont think i rank my friends durst182ChiCk: you have friends that are closer to you than others and that is what I am asking DreamerHalo: yeah, but its not something im constantly evaluating. and i dont think us not talking in weeks means that youve made a huge change and i dont know you anymore. i consider kellie one of my best friends and we talk once every break or so DreamerHalo: we dont have to call each other everyday, and we allow ourselves the time to catch up, and we understand that we're apart, and thats just not a big deal. DreamerHalo: nothing huge is going on in my life DreamerHalo: my mom got a job DreamerHalo: she hasnt started yet though DreamerHalo: um, my brother and his girlfriend were on the cover of Velocity for Valentines day DreamerHalo: i saw Constantine this weekend. durst182ChiCk: well I am just worried that if we continue the way we are that we will never start communicating again DreamerHalo: well thats dumb. DreamerHalo: im not avoiding you DreamerHalo: if that were the case DreamerHalo: youd be blocked DreamerHalo: i realize im not forth putting major effort DreamerHalo: but im busy like you durst182ChiCk: I am not saying that you are avoiding me. But you are not talking to me. We used to talk DreamerHalo: i dont talk to melanie all the time online either. durst182ChiCk: you don't talk to me ever though durst182ChiCk: that is the difference DreamerHalo: i talk to melanie when we make plans to see each other DreamerHalo: we very rairly talk on line durst182ChiCk: well I just feel like we are not at the point where we used to be and that to me means a big loss DreamerHalo: we arent where we used to be, sure. but that doesnt mean were taking a step backwards. its just where we are right now. DreamerHalo: it would be unrealisitic to think that we're going to maintain the same closeness forever, or even what we had during the summer into where we are now in college. durst182ChiCk: so you are just willing to lose our closeness? because we had it up until this fight despite college DreamerHalo: i dont look at it like were losing something. it comes and it goes, like anything. and even last year you were busy and i was busy and there were weeks we didnt talk online, and it wasnt a big deal. durst182ChiCk: but it wasn't like we didn't talk because there was something between us, we didn't talk because we were busy and this time it feels like there is a seperation and not just business DreamerHalo: but there is a seperation. DreamerHalo: something happened. DreamerHalo: i cant just forget it and move on DreamerHalo: its fine DreamerHalo: its the past DreamerHalo: but im aware of it durst182ChiCk: but I don't feel like you have forgiven me for it and that is where the hindrence lies DreamerHalo: well it seems to me like your idea of forgiveness is things being back to how they were before. and my idea of forgiveness is being forgiven and having to work through it for a long time. durst182ChiCk: you are not working towards it though, you are not talking to me DreamerHalo: im talking to you right now, how can you say im not talking to you? durst182ChiCk: you have not once IMed me, you only talk to me when I initiate it durst182ChiCk: you are capable of talking to me, and you don't DreamerHalo: after you called me i IMed you twice and you didnt respond to either IM durst182ChiCk: not to mention you never actually said you forgave me, am I just supposed to assume you did because what if I assume wrong? durst182ChiCk: you IMed me once about some random guy you saw and that is the only one I ever got and I had no idea what you were talking about DreamerHalo: some random guy that reminded me of you, it should have showed that i atleast cared. and i just forgot his name. you know him. DreamerHalo: drew DreamerHalo: it was drew durst182ChiCk: and what was the other IM? DreamerHalo: i dont remember, but i remember talking to you twice DreamerHalo: oh DreamerHalo: the other one i thanked you for the phone call durst182ChiCk: oh yes I did get that one. that one did not make it seem like you wanted a response since you said something along the lines of you appreciated it but were still mad, so I didn't respond because I figured you still needed some space DreamerHalo: well thats fine, but they were both my effort to converse with you, and i got no feedback from you on either of them. DreamerHalo: and at that time, i really didnt feel like i should have been the one to try to talk to you durst182ChiCk: yes but at the time I called you and you didn't answer durst182ChiCk: so I figured you didn't want to talk to me durst182ChiCk: do you feel like you should try and talk to me now? DreamerHalo: i didnt. i was pissed. durst182ChiCk: so then why should I have responded to the IM? DreamerHalo: because it was your mistake. and you had me to lose. DreamerHalo: and i was trying durst182ChiCk: I was too DreamerHalo: i guess i didnt feel like you were. DreamerHalo: you were so angry durst182ChiCk: I called you crying and you IGNORED me durst182ChiCk: I tried DreamerHalo: and i got so defensive because it seemed like you didnt even listen to what i was saying durst182ChiCk: well I felt the same way DreamerHalo: when you called, i had been soo angry with you, i likely would have said something i regreted, or my tone would have been so rude at your attempt to apologize- it was in my best interest and yours that i not take that call. DreamerHalo: on IM, you can wait, you can talk later, you can word things how you want. durst182ChiCk: I understand that but I don't understand how you can say I was not trying when I made an obvious attempt immediately DreamerHalo: yes, you called and you said you were sorry. but before that, we had to continually talk about why i was hurt, and what said. it took so long for you to really apologize, which frustrated me. because i was upset and one thing, and instead of addressing that immediately you took to ripping me apart for what i said. and i really didnt expect that. because very little in your email address the main problem to me. DreamerHalo: so we kept talking DreamerHalo: and where i was hurt by what you said, i was so angry at your reaction, and that you didnt just apologize. durst182ChiCk: and I feel like you are still holding this against me and I do not know what to do about that DreamerHalo: you cant do anything, thats what time has to heal DreamerHalo: and im sorry i dont IM you, but i dont have anything to say. DreamerHalo: im not throwing you or this friendship away DreamerHalo: and i dont know that ill ever want to share anything going on with travis with you, and i feel like you are constantly judging me for my friends or my actions DreamerHalo: and i dont remember judging you for anything DreamerHalo: and thats not saying i havent durst182ChiCk: okay well I have really enjoyed talking to you, and I feel like this has actually gotten us somewhere but I really have to go and start my homework if that is okay.... durst182ChiCk: but I mean I don' t want to just leave if you are in the middle of trying to tell me something DreamerHalo: well it feels like youre upset DreamerHalo: and youre just trying to leave DreamerHalo: is that the case? durst182ChiCk: I am not really upset with you though, Melanie really hurt my feelings DreamerHalo: what did she say? DreamerHalo: that hurt you? durst182ChiCk: she told me I am immature and that I am a brick wall and that I do not care about our friendship DreamerHalo: ours, like yours and mineyouve done things that have hurt a lot of people, including me, ? durst182ChiCk: yours and mine DreamerHalo: ok, sorry that was like copy and paste in there DreamerHalo: well, it was immature. DreamerHalo: do you think or agree or disagree with tht? DreamerHalo: not do you think, i know you think durst182ChiCk: but just because I do something immature does not make me immature DreamerHalo: what? did you read what you just wrote? durst182ChiCk: I mean as a person durst182ChiCk: I am not an immature person, I just happened to do an immature thing DreamerHalo: maybe it doesnt mean that youre immature in all aspects of your life, but i would say that doing something immature either makes you silly, or immature. DreamerHalo: to a degree durst182ChiCk: well that is fine but I am going to go and do my homework now if that is okay DreamerHalo: but youre not okay with this DreamerHalo: you probably feel like youre being attacked by everyone durst182ChiCk: to a degree I do, but at the same time maybe I am really an immature little child and am the only one unaware of it DreamerHalo: no one is calling you a child. durst182ChiCk: but honestly I do have homework to do and lots of it since I have been out of town all weekend DreamerHalo: one degree of not being a child is being able to talk through things, and work them out, even when its hurting you and me DreamerHalo: i think ive gotten over a lot of this. i dont get angry when i think of your name, i dont bitch about it, i only get frusrated when i think about it all. which i dont do often. DreamerHalo: and i think thats a big step. durst182ChiCk: that is DreamerHalo: and if it takes you being the one to IM me for the rest of our lives, if thats what it takes, maybe thats the question. durst182ChiCk: well okay. i think that is a good stopping point for us both to think DreamerHalo: alright, thats fair. and im open to talk about this whenever i can. durst182ChiCk: okay thanks, we will talk again soon I am sure DreamerHalo: alright. good luck on your homework DreamerHalo: and i hope you had a fun weekend. durst182ChiCk: thanks I'll ttyl (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 7th, 2004
12:18 am	sometimes I HATE college. registering for classes seems to get worse every year...am I misinformed or isn't it supposed to be getting easier? I mean this is my 4th fucking time doing this and STILL I am not going to get into ANY of the classes I need or want because I have a crappy register time. How fucking annoying! So since I just declared my psychology major, I was not too worried about it since I figured those teachers would just sign me into the class since I need it. Well how stupid am I? One of the teachers I need to sign me into class is on fucking sebatical (sp!) and isn't freaking here this semester....yep that is going to make it incredibly difficult to ger her to sign the damn paper. The other teacher I needed to sign me in, a professor I have had before mind you, basically said no. She said she isn't willing to accept extra people. Well screw her, I need a 200 level course and I am not freaking eligible for the other one because I do not have the prereq! At least the 3rd class I need to be signed into is taught by my new advisor, he is more than willing to sign me in. Do you see that!? 3 freaking classes that I NEED that have already closed. Not to mention the classes that are for general requirements. 4 of my choices have already closed for those so I just have to keep finding new classes and hoping they don't close before I can register on MONDAY. Well now that I am all worked up about this I am going to bed dammit. I am NOT in the mood to deal with anymore people today. Current Mood: aggravated (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
6:10 pm	So I don't know why but all of a sudden I can't get Jenny out of my mind. I was just sitting here searching the web and all of a sudden I just wanted to search for information about her. Sometimes I still don't believe that it really happened and I need to reread the articles and such to make it a concrete thing that occurred in reality...my reality. But I still refuse to accept it. How can she really be gone? I never got to say goodbye, I never got to give her one last hug or tell her how much I loved her and what an influence she was on my life. I looked forward to choir everyday because I knew we would sit in the back row and giggle and draw and never get caught. I feel like I am constantly searching for her, it is like an impossible version of Where's Waldo. I see her everywhere and when I look at people they remind me of her, but it never is. How am I ever going to get through this? Am I ever? I am beginning to doubt that I will ever stop thinking about her... how am i supposed to just stop? I went shopping the other day and I saw a shirt with the same picture of Jim Morrison that she always wore. I stared at if forever, I couldn't bare to look away. It was like if I looked long enough she would come over and admire it with me. God I just miss her. I want her to tell me that she forgives me for being such a bitch. We weren't on the best terms. I want her to tell me it is okay that I said mean things about her, that she understands. How could I be so horrible? How will I ever be okay with that? HOW!? I cannot take it anymore, I feel so much guilt and I am just so miserable about the how ordeal. I would take it back a million times if only I could see her. I would do so many things different just to see her again. I am going home this weekend, probably stopping at cavehill to visit her grave. I really hope that the headstone is there, I think it will make it realistic to me. However I don't think it will make me accept her death. I can never truly accept it. I just want her to be alive so much. I want her to go to a ballard choir concert with me and stand next to me when they ask alumnis to sing on stage, just like we planned. I am not sure I can do that ever now because she won't be there. How can I sing on that stage without her? She was ALWAYS there...always taking off her shoes when we were up there because they hurt her feet...and I will never forget the time she accidentally kicked one off and Mr. Weaver saw and handed it to her with an evil expression. How can I accept that we will never make more memories like that? and that we can never talk about them again? how could god be so cruel? why!? why god? why did you do this? why didn't you wait? why now? why her? how am I ever supposed to deal with this? I am so frustrated with it all. I just want to cry. I wish I could just cry. Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
12:40 pm	guys.... grrrr I hate guys. Why are they so freaking frustrating!? I like Dave... I do. Despite the fact that he didn't call me all summer. But he is just so damn frustrating. I just don't know what to do about him. He didn't call me ALL weekend. He is too busy to basically ever do anything (6 classes one of which is a senior thesis) and I barely ever see him. I mean the chances of us ever dating or anything serious at all are minimal. But here is the catch. When I am with him, I know he likes me, I see how he looks at me and when he he puts his arms around me I feel so good. He is just such a nice guy and he is so sweet. But I am starting to think that he likes to be with me when he is with me but when I am not there he just doesn't think about me, you know? What the hell am I going to do? I don't know when but I started to like him and I want to spend time with him and of course as my life always dictates, I can't. Why do I have such bad luck with guys...why?! Oh well. there isn't anything to do about it right now I guess. Just try and get an education and be a lonely old maid for the rest of my life! lol! Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
12:32 pm	I have officially concluded that you never really get over a friend's death. It is an impossible feat that I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I just can't deal with it. I don't want to. I don't want her to be gone. I want to see her, hug her, laugh with her, anything. And it is so hard to deal with the fact that I can't. I have never felt such pain before. Everyday when I wake up it is there waiting for me, it encompasses everything I do. Every smile or laugh makes me feel guilty. How can I be happy? Starting school, being here without anyone who understand what I am going through, has been so hard. No one here knew Jenny, no one here understands how much she means to me. I can never make them understand but I don't blame them. Her birthday was Saturday. Her parents through a little party for it and I couldn't go. That was the worst day of my life. I felt so alone knowing that John and Melanie and Holly were all with her family and knowing that is where I should be and the only place I wanted to be. God it sucked. I know that her mom understands why I couldn't come but it just hurt so much. I wanted to be with my friends who understood and my friends here were really great when I broke down but it wasn't the same. It just hurts so much. Every hug I get is wonderful but I will forever be empty waiting for a hug from the one person who can no longer give me one. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel horrible that I didn't see her over the summer and no intention of wanting to is ever going to be enough now. I just hurt. It just hurts. I just don't believe that it will ever stop hurting. Current Mood: depressed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
9:17 pm	so I am back at witt for my sophomore year.... and not especially looking forward to starting classes tomorrow morning bright and early! but it is really good to be back here and see all the people I have missed all summer... but at the same time it is so hard to not see all my friends from home. So this summer something entirely tragic and horrible happened in my life. A good high school friend was in a car accident with her boyfriend and they both died. That was only a little over a month ago, so I am still struggling to deal with it. I am not sure how to just continue my life, you know? I am so angry that I didn't see her this summer and tell her how much I cared about her and how much a part of my life she still was. It makes me feel like a horrible friend, and now I can never take it back. life just really sucks sometimes. I miss her so much, and am only now realizing how much influence she had over my life in high school. She helped shape me to the person I am today and my life would have been majorly different without her in it. How can I just pretend like she didn't exist? It isn't fair. Sometimes I still wake up and think I will see her and then I have to relive everything. well I don't have time to dwell on the depressing tonight.... I have to try to somewhat prepare myself for classes tomorrow.... but here is the poem I wrote after jenny died... just for anyone who is interested.. Pelted by Grief Please rain come this way Show your tears this gloomy day Fill my heart with a bright light But make the day as dark as night Place the sun behind a cloud Put the earth beneath your shroud Let the thunder crash and roll Let the lightning take its toll Stabs of light destroy the peace This pounding rain won't seem to cease Grab at the earth with gusts of wind Force the tallest trees to bend Send them tumbling to the ground With a mighty cracking sound Pelt the earth with drops of rain To express this horrid pain But let a sign of hope be known The seeds of healing have been sown The pain will fade from day to day But never entirely be taken away Like the renewed land after a storm Eventually a scab will form To cover the wound and mask the pain Though years fly by, this scar will remain. Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
12:31 am	jusy fyi: that first line is supposed to say have you ever noticed... lol Current Mood: same!! (Comment on this)
12:24 am	So have you ever that once you have figured something out perfectly that life throws you a curveball? So the friend I finally gave up on, called me the other night. He wanted a mutual friend's phone number, but she says he already had it...so maybe he just wanted to talk and needed and excuse? Who knows? I have really missed him though, and was so glad to hear his voice. I guess I really wasn't as over our friendship as I had thought. So my ex bf is being a total dork. He has a new gf and all of a sudden he isnt my friend anymore. I haven't talked to him in like forever. The best part? I honestly just don't care that he is dating someone, in fact I am happy that he has found someone :) but I guess he thinks I am the jealous type since he still hasnt even told me he is dating someone, lol. I am so easy-going, I cant believe he really thinks I am going to be upset by it. oh well boys will be boys! I am going to Ball State this weekend to visit some friends and I can hardly wait! I love my college, but I just need to get away from here and see my high school girls who I simply adore for a weekend! 2 more weeks after this one and I get to go home, I can hardly wait! summer here I come!! Current Mood: anxious (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 4th, 2004
1:16 am	So I hate people sometimes. I am giving up on that friend which has been mentioned in previous entries. I am not going to be some pathetic loser begging them to accept me back in their life when I didnt do anything wrong in the first place. I took their sn off my buddy list and their pictures off my walls. No need seeing they are online or see them smiling at me when I know they wont even talk to me. Why do people go out of their way to hurt other people? I just cant bear it anymore, every time I think about it I just want to burst out in tears. I could almost cry now, but I wont. Not again. I will not let this person over power me and my emotions anymore. I am sick of feeling like shit. I am sick of feeling unloved when I have a ton of friends who love me and just one who doesnt. SCREW HIM. That's right I said it. I am so mad and hurt that I really dont know if I will ever talk to him again. I am not sure at this point if I am ever going to want to have a friendship again. He hasnt talked to me in so long that I have just gotten used to him not being there. I am sick of it all. He is just to dramatic for me, I am not strong enough to deal with all the bruises he has left behind. He is one of the only people who has ever made me really cry more than once. What a thing to be remembered by, dont you think? That is it, I draw the line here. No more. I just dont think I can stand for him to hurt me again, and as long as we are friends I know it will happen. Well that is enough depression for one night, I think that anyone who reads this journal will think I am a depressing person. I have a great life I swear, it is just that I am only inspired to write on bad occasions. Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
11:17 pm	Initiation was really awesome! It was an incredibly unique experience! Family drinks were great too! The girls in my family are so hilarious that I almost died from laughing! I should be reading right now, but I just dont feel like it! I am so excited that this week is half way over! I cannot wait for my cousins to get here on Friday! I miss them so much this year! And I am going back to ball state next month! I am so excited! I had such a great time the last time I went, at least what I remember! I just got a picture from a friend of me that weekend... I am with 3 guys, only one of which I even remember meeting. And the sucky thing is that one I dont remember is actually really hot! But hey I was talking to him at some point during that evening, too bad I didnt stay with him instead of meeting that other guy... oh well. I am going the weekend of my sorority formal, but I didnt really want to go to that anyway, so I am not too crushed. I can go to the next 3 formals if I so desire, right? I cannot believe how fast this year has gone by! One more full month of school and then finals! Right now I am trying to plan my schedule for next fall and it isnt working! I cannot get a decent schedule together. Thankfully I have until April 5th when I have to register. Other than that not too much is going on here, just lots of going to class and getting lots of homework which I hardly ever do. My gpa is going to suck this semester, I have already accepted that and honestly dont really care. Well I think I should get back to reading for my class, I was dealing with a friend's huge trauma earlier and got distraced talking to her and then just never went back to the damn book. Current Mood: complacent (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 21st, 2004
12:04 am	So that friend from a previous journal still isn't talking to me. I have tried to talk to them, I IMed them multiple times and even called, no use. I am seriously considering not trying anymore. How can I just turn my back though? I love this friend, they have been there for me so many times. I just don't really know what I am going to do about that. Oh well, things will hopefully work out somehow. Next weekend is "little sibs" weekend at my college!! My younger brother is a senior in high school, and didnt want to come, but my two cousins, who are like my little sisters are coming instead! I am SO excited! I cannot wait for them to see my college. I hope they like it! I have so much homework to do tomorrow, and I knew I shouldn't have left it for last minute. But hey, it's me! I always do that, I work well under pressure though, so it is all good! Monday night is initiation! I CANNOT WAIT!! Afterwards we are going out for family drinks, so that should be good times! Thankfully I don't have class on TTH until 2:10! That makes my life so much easier, especially since a big drinking night here is wednesday! Well I just might go to bed early tonight and make up for last night...sounds like a good plan to me! Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 18th, 2004
11:29 pm	So class almost bored me to death today. I honestly did not think I would survive the entire hour and a half. Tonight I have to go to the house two seperate times, one for ceremony and one to show perspective girls around the house. It was really fun being the one to show them around instead of being the one who is shown around. I love being Greek, I am so happy I joined a sorority! I really dont care if everyone else thinks I sold out or bought in or conformed. Sororities are so much cooler than people give them credit for. I cannot wait to be initiated! It is going to be so awesome to finally be a real part of ADPi!! Well homework is calling me... stupid math quizes every friday! Current Mood: optimistic (Comment on this)
Monday, March 15th, 2004
11:56 pm	depressed so I have this friend, and I love this friend. But this friend of mine always knows how to make me feel like complete and utter shit. does anyone else have a friend like this? don't ask me why I keep this friend, because I do love this friend a lot. When things are good between us, they are excellent, however when terms between us aren't good, they are horrible. This friend isn't speaking to me right now, and it is killing me. Yeah it has only been like 15 minutes since we stopped talking, but we parted on such bad terms. I wish i didn't let this friend affect me so much, but when you care about someone it is hard to control how they make you feel. Anyway, I just feel horrible, even though it's not really my fault. Which I would be the first to admit if it was, I am not into confrontation with this friend, however this friend is reading too much into someone else's action (not even mine!) and is mad at me for it. How frustrating is that? I hope that this silent treatment doesn't go on for too long, it is so upsetting. I just don't know what to do. Our mutual friends say just to build up a tolerance against his painful words, but it is easier said than done. I am not used to having to do something like that. I guess there is really nothing else to say. I wonder if anyone actually reads my entries...if they didn't know me before, they probably think I am one weird chick. But then again, maybe I am. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am just so frustrated with all the little things that the big picture seems utterly pointless. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 14th, 2004
11:33 pm	Spring break is over :( and I am not happy about it. I have classes tomorrow and am not in the mood to attend them. Oh well, last week was lots of fun. I went out with friends and actually got to hang out with a lot of people considering my spring break was so early! Last night was the show with Storm the Front, and they were totally awesome! All my friends who didn't end up coming really missed out! Other than that my break wasn't too eventful. I didn't get to see my horse which was incredibly depressing, and found out somethings about people which were kinda upsetting, but no specifics need to be mentioned here. I also had a few interviews with families about sitting for them this summer. I really hope they work out because I dont want to get another job like the one at Toys R Us. God I hated that. I still haven't seen that many people since I have been back, but I guess I will see them all tomorrow. My roommate had a good spring break, but has a lot of homework to do now. Actually I have some homework too...I don't think I am going to do it tonight though, it can wait as far as I am concerned. Well I think this is enough for an entry right now, after unpacking and wasting my time watching tv I am pretty tired and may just lie in bed for like an hour and read or something! Current Mood: indifferent (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
11:36 pm	YAY!!!!!!!!! Spring Break starts officially tomorrow! But it basically started for me today since I had my last midterm this afternoon. I only studied for like 40 minutes but thankfully the exam was really easy!! So all I have is precalc at 9 tomorrow and I am leaving by 11! I will be home hopefully before 2! I cannot wait! I just want to leave! Plus I am going to UK tomorrow night and visiting my friends there! I haven't seen them in forever so that will rock! I wish I was finished packing and all that other crap I have to do tonight, oh well I guess I can sleep sometime later on! I just hope I have a good break, I need to just relax and not worry about school for a while. Especially since my GPA is suffering this semester, I hope I dont get any midterm grades, that would be really upsetting. I am working on getting my grades up, hopefully it worked and I have above a C- in all my classes! Back to packing I guess. YAY FOR SPRING BREAK! Current Mood: excited (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 1st, 2004
3:30 pm	So relieved to have my psychology final over with. Now I just hope I did well! Time to focus on the other two midterms I have this week, thankfully they aren't until Wednesday and Thursday! I don't think I am going to tell any of my friends that I started doing this, afterall then they would read it and if I ever needed to vent about them, this would not be a resource like it is now... I cannot wait until Friday when spring break begins! I am going home, which may not sound all that great, but I am really excited! This is the only time I am going home this entire semester, it is hard to get there without a car. But I just found out that I am going to Chicago over Easter weekend! YAY! That is going to be tons of fun. So while I am home one of my best friends is going to be home also, so that is who I will be spending a ton of time with! Plus I am going to two local shows, if you are in the louisville area you should check them out! Yardsale on March 12 at Rudyard Kipling or Storm the Front on March 13 at Twice Told. They are both gonna rock, and if you like cute boys those will be present also! I cannot believe I am advertising on this when no one is even going to read it, how lame am I? Oh well! I wish I could just sit here and write an entire book, however I still have another class today and then sorority stuff all night. Fun times! Current Mood: relieved (Comment on this)